Out of the Silence

 It had been quite some time since I have blogged. It is basically because I have been in pain. Unfortunately I have a condition called trigeminal neuralgia. It is extremely painful and it has taken the doctors a while to be able to help me manage it. I am now on very strong nerve medication and I’m seeing a neurologist. I had the same disease 20 years ago and had gamma knife surgery on my brain. That was something I had hoped would never happen again but here I am suffering from it.

I have tried to go through my daily routines and have managed to do so for most of the time. My energy level was low as pain set in. There was a lot of silence. Often, in my past, I have gone on silent retreats for one and two weeks at a time. People would kid me because I am a person who likes to talk and they could not imagine that I could stay quiet for two weeks. They do not know me well. My soul gets regenerated through silence and praise and meditation. I am able to lower my blood pressure and heal my body through silence.

The pictures you see at the top are in my backyard. I’m incredibly blessed to have a garden created that nurtures me immensely. Each day I wonder what message Saint Francis will have for me. DARYL and I traveled to Italy a few years ago and were able to enjoy much of the history of Saint Francis’ life and walked the path where he lived.

During this time of silence and struggle, I have prayed for many of you, wondering what you’re up to and hoping that your days are full of joy. I’m making new friends with neighbors and we found a church where we feel at home. It is Saint Philip Lutheran in Myrtle Beach. I like the ritual of the liturgy and the music is marvelous! The congregation sings heartily and it warms my soul. The pastor has meaningful sermons and connects with people of all ages. What a blessing to have found this sweet little church in the midst of a tourist town.

I am grateful that there are people who heal, people who pray, and the great love and tender care of my husband. It has been a challenge to manage this. But with medication, I am able to swim, cook, and write. It is my hope that you will discover what feeds you and find time to engage in it. May the silent times in your life be a blessing, love, Bonnie Lee.

The dilemma of blessings

It’s been a while since I’ve written and it’s because I’ve been resisting it. The title might give you a hint as to why I’m having such a hard time.

If you know me well, you know that I can never hide my true feelings and my emotions of what I am experiencing. Right now I am having incredible joy. Retirement is far better than what I anticipated. I’m able to make sourdough bread every week, plan menus, and cook healthy meals, do my laundry whenever I need to, and sleep whenever I want.

I’m enjoying house cleaning and nesting and gardening. I had no idea that this was all so much fun and wonderful. I am reaping the benefits of this self-care by weight loss and some of my blood work is really good.

So then, what is the problem? It is this. I’m so blessed and yet I see so much pain and agony all around me. Reading the news makes me distraught and angry.The injustices and the climate issues are frightening.

I’m not used to having such blessings. This past week I was talking to our son JORDAN about my struggle with it. He said, “Mom you have spent your whole life serving others now it’s time to serve yourself.”

Wise words, indeed, but remember, I was raised in a culture, a very conservative Christian culture, that told me to die to self. The one family with whom I lived, would not even let us have a mirror because to look in a mirror was to be vain. We were not allowed to have musical instruments because they were of the devil and could be used for wickedness like dancing. It was a sin to spend money on one’s self unless absolutely necessary. It took me many years to love myself and it is no wonder that God called me to serve others because there is my strength that came amid all that negativity.

I absolutely loved being a pastor, and while it was exhausting, it was also energizing and led me to deep spiritual depths that I might not have otherwise experienced. I was blessed to have a window into the lives of others as we both impacted each other in finding the holy in every moment.

Then why is it so hard for me to accept these blessings? Daryl and I have worked since we were 15 years old. We have scrimped and saved and often worked two and three jobs at a time. We tried to be generous and continually support several other families financially.

I’ve never thought of myself as keeping score with God, that if I bless others, God will bless me. However, this season of my life so far is beyond my wildest expectations. I actually thought I’d never get here.

When I was diagnosed with cancer, the second time I begged God to let me live until retirement. And now I am thriving. Yes there are still medical issues and I’m seeing a ton of specialists to try to deal with them, but for the most part every day is a miracle.

Sometimes DARYL and I look at each other and say we have to pinch ourselves to make sure this is real.

But then there’s that little guilt lurking thinking maybe I shouldn’t have it so nice. Wondering if those of you who are reading this will think that I’m too extravagant.

I can’t quite reconcile at all yet, but I’m gonna tell you I am going to revel in it. My family is so supportive of us and encourages me to just accept the blessings and the reward of our labors.

I know too that with blessing comes responsibility. DARYL and I are finding ways to share what we have with others.

I’m not ready to sign on any board yet, I’m not ready to be on a committee. It’s just too soon. I’m catching my breath and asking God to let me be her servant.

Thank you all for being here for me as you always have been, through thick and thin you have been the extraordinary blessing in my life. May something marvelously surprising give you joy today. Love to you all, Bonnie Lee.

We end the journey with a bang!

Our last night in Asheville, North Carolina ended up being quite eventful. As we were ready to go to bed a big storm came up. DARYL went outside to put the awning down so that it wouldn’t blow in the wind. All of a sudden it wouldn’t work. No matter how hard he tried, he could not get the latch to work. So he tilted the side the best he could so the rain would run off of it and the wind wouldn’t catch it.

I went to bed praying that it would work in the morning. However, when we got up, it was the same way that it was when we went to bed. We messed with it and tried all kinds of things and we could not get it to work. We put in several phone calls to mobile RV repair people and only found one person who said that he could possibly help us but it wouldn’t be till noon. We said OK well if we don’t find anybody else then come on over.

About that time, the custodian of the campground came by on his golf cart, as he was emptying trash. He said “ Are you having a problem ?” and we said yes. So DARYL showed him what the problem was. He tried to fix it and couldn’t fix it either. So DARYL said “I think we need to take it apart and then maybe manually roll it up.” But we didn’t have a ladder. No problem. Jose as it turns out, was our angel. He went and got a ladder and stood up on it and helped DARYL take it apart and then roll it up. They put the screws back in to hold it tightly and taped it with electrical tape. The photo you see is of Jose giving me the thumbs up. He was so excited when I asked if I could take his picture.

It is amazing how people are so generous with their kindness. We have found that to be true over and over.

We stopped at the welcome station when we hit the South Carolina border. As we entered the visitation area, a young woman greeted us. “Where are you from?” She asked. DARYL told her that we were moving from California and that we were going to our new home in South Carolina. “Welcome home,” she said.

Her statement caught us up short. This is our home now. That was an odd feeling to both DARYL and me. For the rest of the trip I reflected on the fact that South Carolina is now my new home. It doesn’t feel like home yet. The landscape is so unfamiliar, the dialect is quite different, the food is interesting, and I don’t have many friends yet.

I was feeling sad on the trip home, and it was somewhat unexpected. While I am very eager for this new life of retirement, it is also a huge transition. We will have a new church, new doctors, new bank, new neighborhood, and so many things to which we will be adjusting. While I usually like change, it’s all a bit unsettling. My usual optimistic nature took a backseat to my melancholy spirit.

What did bring me joy however, was when I walked into our home, I immediately felt at peace. The surroundings comforted me. There was my little Zen Pen studio ready and waiting for my creative spirit. DARYL‘s organ stands stately in the corner soon to be swelling with beautiful music. I turned on all the lights in the bedroom and just sat there a minute being so happy that I could sleep in my own bed tonight.

I am aware that with this move there will be many emotions swimming around in me. Sometimes I’m gonna let them just sit there, and contemplate the goodness of them. Other times I’ll dive in and see where they might lead me.

Through it all, I do know that I am incredibly blessed and I’m thankful that our trip went as well as it did. DARYL said the other day that “Home is wherever we are.” How true that is and we will certainly make this place a safe and sacred Haven.

All across the country, DARYL and I saw so much poverty. There were many people living in RV’s. There are trailers with tarps on the roofs. There are rusted out cars decking front yards. There were shacks that look practically like they’re going to fall over, but a light still cast out the darkness. There were people without homes holding signs asking for money. We saw workers doing extremely hard labor in the heat. All these folk striving to make a living and a home for themselves. I prayed for them to feel secure.

It’s time to be thankful once again for our little bit of heaven on earth. Tonight for your blessing, I pray that you are wrapped in the comfort of a safe place. May your home be a nook of love and peace. Wherever you are, know you are loved, Bonnie Lee.

An Eventful Day!

Well, today was most unusual. We drove from Nashville to Asheville and what a time we had.

The event started when we stopped for gas at an Exxon in Nashville. While backing up, I scraped a woman’s car who was parked at the gas station. No damage was done to the RV and hardly any damage to her car, but I just felt terrible about it. DARYL and I were both pretty shook up but by the time I got out of the RV, the owner of the car was comforting me. It’s OK she said. At first she was horrendously upset. But her coworker, (because they both were working at the Exxon,) told her and DARYL that it was OK. “There are no broken bones. Nobody was hurt and the car is only slightly damaged,” he said.

When I got out of my vehicle to talk with her, she was on the phone with someone. The person on the phone was saying to her. “It’s OK. You can’t change what’s already happened you have to just accept it.” The girl told the person on the phone that she didn’t have any car insurance. The woman said, “well you can’t do anything about it now so you have to just go with it.” I told her that I have insurance and I would make a claim right away. I actually did that. Tennessee is an “at fault” state so my insurance has to pay. I have State Farm and I have to tell you they were excellent with me on the phone.

I texted the young woman to tell her that I had made the claim and they would be calling her in a day or two. I told her that I was sorry this had happened. We had a fabulous text exchange. She told me that her coworker was like family and that they were all cool and that it was OK. What remarkable people they were. She could’ve been cussing me out. Instead she was kind and gentle with me. DARYL said she was initially upset, but that her coworker calmed her down. I was happy to find out too that I don’t have a deductible for that kind of accident.

The next part of the journey that was stressful was there were about 12 miles of one lane traffic. The sign said that you should not go on the road if your vehicle was 8 1/2 feet wide. Our RV is 8’5” wide. So imagine my tension as I drove through a cattle chute once again. It went fine though.

We arrived at our campsite and immediately it began to downpour. You can see our view from our window. We managed to get a break in the storm to go get some dinner.

In spite of everything, it truly was beautiful driving through the Smoky Mountains. DARYL and I were reminiscing about all the many memories we have made while camping and visiting there over the years. I especially remember some almond crusted trout and tubing down the mountain streams which ended with me in the ER. We laugh about it now and are so grateful we have those memories. We are certainly gonna come camping in the smoky mountains!

Tomorrow is the day we arrive at our new home at Myrtle Beach. It has been a long, wonderful drive and we will be glad to be nestled in our own beds and start our new adventures there.

Today, I’m especially grateful for the kindness of strangers. I’m also incredibly thankful that my sweet husband DARYL did not yell at me when I backed into a car. He is so kind that way. He was very reassuring to me and we talked about adjustments we might need to make in the future when backing up. He was so gentle. He is like that you know. Never yelling but always concerned for my well-being. What a treasure!

You know, for a few miles down the road I really beat myself up. How could I have made such a stupid mistake I thought. But life is full of mistakes. I’m glad that the one I made today did not harm anyone. Sometimes it’s harder to forgive oneself than forgiving others. I had to let it go and leave it in the hands of the insurance people and realize that it’s probably not the last mistake I’m gonna make.

My blessing for you tonight is to love yourself. Through all the foibles of life and the ups and downs that we actually create, let’s love ourselves. We are made in the image of our great creator and so worthy of good love. I pray that you’ll meet people like I did, that give you grace even when you don’t deserve it. Remember, I love you all, Bonnie Lee.

Tired!

So the Day began with me talking to God about my RV. I said “God if you’re interested in being a mechanic today, could you please fix my cruise control?” Now I know for some of you this might seem sacrilegious. However, I talk to God about everything. Little things, big things, hurts, joys; you name it and I talk to God about it! God is big enough to hear it. Now I don’t actually think God played mechanic today, but I have to tell you that my cruise control worked. What a major blessing. So what did I do? I thanked God!

This might not fit in with your theology of prayer and how prayers are answered and what we should take to God, but it was a joy just the same. I also took to God all the hurting families from the storms, I asked for safety for our trip, I prayed for those of you for struggling in your jobs and in relationships. I prayed for our politicians, I prayed for our world. Things seem a bit messy now so prayer is mighty important. God comforted me through it today.

I did get more comments about my hair but in Kentucky it was from a young fellow at the gas station.”Why miss, I jest love that thar pink hair of yours! It’s mighty nice on ya!” I thanked him and said “You are kind to say so!”

That’s all for today folks! This entry is gonna be short and sweet. We went through four states. Missouri, Illinois, Kentucky, and Tennessee. As you can see from the picture, I’m exhausted. I had my beer, now I’m going to bed. May your sleep be sweet! Love you all, Bonnie Lee

A tiresome drive!

Today was a rather long and weary one. We drove from Saint Joseph, Missouri to St. Louis, Missouri. The scenery was pretty much the same the whole way. However, this is a photo that DARYL took of me in the van driving and you can see the beautiful clouds. Aren’t they magnificent!?!

The driving was tough, as there were many automobiles on the road. Also, there were a lot more cattle chutes today and my cruise control stopped working on the RV.

So of course I needed to stop for Starbucks. What an adventure that was. I think the sign on my forehead that says “talk to me” must’ve been blinking in neon. I walked in and said to the barista, “how are you today?” She said, “Do you want the robotic answer or the real truth?” I told her “Only the truth with me honey.” (You see I’m into my Southern dialect already where it’s honey this and honey that! I don’t mind a bit!) And boy did I get an earful. “It’s been a terrible day,” She said. “It’s a Monday and it’s been crazy busy and nobody’s happy. But I have off tomorrow so I’m gonna recoup.” Then the other worker came over and said yeah it’s been a crappy day. and she told me about her events. “Well, I’m really sorry about all that,” I said to them. “I just would love for you gals to have a really happy afternoon. You just made my day by making me this mocha.” Then they asked me all kinds of questions. What are you doing today? So I told them about our cross country trip. Then that got them excited so now all three baristas came over to the counter. I was the only customer. I asked them where they were from and they told me their stories. “We just live in a boring place like Missouri,” they said. “You’re going somewhere exciting. Good for you!” I told them to keep saving their money and tucking a little away and their time will come too to be able to go where they want.

I wished them a great afternoon and told them that I hope it was much better than the morning. They said they were so glad I stopped in and when was I coming again. I said “Well I do t suppose I’ll be back because I’m going to Myrtle Beach to live!” So after a much longer visit at Starbucks than I anticipated, I went back to the RV where DARYL was waiting for me. “You won’t believe what happened,” I said. “It was another truth telling session.” We laughed together and are grateful for the opportunity to make someone’s day better.

The other great thing that happened to me was that two people made my day. When I walked into our hotel to register and gave them my license, they both looked at me and said “you are way cool, Mrs. HOLLINGER. We love that pink hair of yours.It is just fantastic.” They just made an ordeal about it. They were glad I came to stay and were enthusiastic in letting me know about the hotel. “If you need anything at all, we are here for you,” they said. What a grand welcome.

DARYL says if we had a quarter for every time somebody mentioned my hair we would be rich by now. I’m glad it makes people happy because it makes me happy. Some of you might be wondering why I do it. But after CANCER when my hair grew in curly and white, I wanted to do something different. I just felt like I needed a little pizazz thus the pink. It’s a reminder to me of life and healing!

We did go for a swim after getting settled in. Once we were refreshed, we dressed for dinner and the photo is a picture of me ready for my date with DARYL.

The closer we get to home the more I am eager to be there. But today we were both very sentimental about our friends in California. We really miss you all and are feeling the loss. I told DARYL it’s OK for us to grieve. We have loved deeply and been loved immensely. So of course we will feel the loss.

Today I went through some photos and sent a few to some of you. I was reminiscing about good times with you. That’s what life is about- making memories that warm the heart each time you think of those marvelous escapades we’ve had together.

So tonight, before you say your prayers and get tucked into bed, think about some marvelous times you’ve had with friends. Cherish them and maybe send them a note to let them know how much they mean to you. As we are so tragically aware of the lives lost in Texas, we can be reminded to treasure every moment. I agonize for those parents. The death of a child is severe, and it will take much love and comfort for them to hang onto life in this difficult time. Let us collectively lift them up to God for mercy and grace. And may the peace of God which passes all understanding keep your hearts and minds to Christ Jesus, amen. Love you all Bonnie Lee.

We did it!

Well, if you’ve been following our continuing saga, you will know that I chose a campground a few nights ago that turned out to be not suitable at all. Well today we had a winner. This is called AOK campground and it is definitely OK. You can see from the photo our beautiful site on the little pond. It also has a great swimming pool where we cooled off after a hot day of driving.

The little fellow you see there is a thirteen-lined ground squirrel that was eating outside our RV. He is most unusual and DARYL got such a great picture of him. What a delight that we could see him.

Being on the road on a Sunday was most unusual for DARYL and me. We have been going to church on Sundays for all our married life. But we prayed and sang songs of praise to God for the beautiful day.

We started out in Nebraska and we saw field after field of corn. It certainly was knee-high by the Fourth of July as Mickey says. However, in comparison, when we left Myrtle Beach, the corn was 6 feet tall and had tassels. We were already eating delicious corn on the cob.

We went through Iowa and are now in Missouri. The green grasses are lush and there are thick dense forests with lots of bushy trees. I don’t really know what they are and of course whizzing by at 60 miles an hour; couldn’t tell what they were. They were beautiful just the same.

I did get to see a crop duster very close up and it is astonishing how close he gets to the plants and then swooshes back up into the air!

Some folk were concerned about the tropical storm headed to Myrtle Beach and up the coast. However, today it is sunny and there is no rain at our home. My dear neighbor Christa is keeping an eye on things!!

I certainly appreciate all the comments that you have been making about my blog on FACEBOOK, email, and on the blog site. However, Diane Hosmer gets the award for the funniest response to my gecko story. Her comment was “maybe he’s selling car insurance.” I think that gal better take up comedy routines!

As some of you will remember, DARYL says he thinks I have a magnet on my forehead that says “talk to me.” Well, it happened at the pool again today. I said hello to a woman sitting on the steps and she began to tell me her story. It was very sad in many ways. Her husband had died two years ago and so she lost all his Social Security income. She had to have knee replacements and so is unable to walk very far. She lost her home so she is staying permanently at this campground. She shared that her daughter bought the camper for her and it’s the only thing she can afford. “I really like it here though” she said. “The owners are so nice to me. And my grandchildren come see me and go to swim in the pool with me.”

“You don’t ask for this kind of life,”she said, “but it happens.” I witnessed her bright smile and her great joy at being with her grandchildren. I’ll be honest with you. My dilemma is that I have so much and my blessings are overflowing. I wish there was a way I could share with her. Yet here she is celebrating the corner of life that she has eked out for herself. I think she liked my company and being able to talk with someone so perhaps that a gift in a small way.

I said to her, “it must be tough having worked all your life, and your husband working all his life and now you don’t get the benefit of that.” “Yes,” she said, “but there’s nothing I can do about it.”

As we left the pool, she bid me a lovely smile and said to have a wonderful time. She was still throwing balls with the grandchildren in the water.

So my beloved, count your treasures, and your blessings this night. Count the little tiny things that mean a lot to you. Value the special coffee cup, or the afghan made for you by the church ladies, the flowers in your yard, a very soft pillow, and your animals. Make sure you put something away for a rainy day if at all possible and learn to be thankful! I’m counting my blessings and my new friend is one of them! Luv you all, Bonnie Lee.