No Prescription for Retirement!

For the last few years before I retired, I dreamed of what it would be like to live in retirement. Not having to set an alarm, taking naps when I want to, sitting by the pool, looking up recipes and just reading for fun was what I envisioned.

I read a few books about retirement and there are many: How to Retire, 101 Fun Things to Do in Retirement, Purposeful Retirement, How to Retire Happy and What you Don't Know about Retirement. Well I have to say, they didn't quite hit the mark for me. Yes indeed, I  enjoy not setting an alarm and swimming in our pool most afternoons (thanks to the solar cover, I'm still swimming in October!) I get to peruse recipes and love dilly-dallying in my gardens.

What I did not expect however was facing health challenges and finding a new rhythm would be difficult. As some of you already know, I have trigeminal neuralgia and am still taking a chemo pill every day. Both of those medicines cause constipation. My family doctor recently added a new medication and guess what the number one side effect is - you guessed it - constipation. I told Daryl it's a whole new life when your afternoon cocktail is prune juice! Oh I have become an expert on laxatives and herbal remedies so don't send me any! The doctors have warned me to stay on top of it so I don't end up in the ER with a blockage! Yeah, I had that once, not pretty! So excuse my language but who knew retirement would be about "shit?" 

My balance is a challenge with this disease, so I now have a chair in my closet. Seems like two legs in the same pant hole is not a good idea while trying to stand! Any thing that requires bending over is probably going to end up with me on the floor or throwing up! 

Okay so then there is the brain fog. Some days it's tiring and other days Daryl and I just roar with laughter. Do you know where my glasses are? My favorite answer to that is, Yes the last time I wore them I put them in the freezer. My family never did think that was so funny! Or what day is it? Is this Wednesday or Thursday? Did I lock the door or close the garage? So I trot to double check. Thank God there is a song on my dryer and washer when it is complete or we might have laundry in there for days! And the microwave dings until you open the door! If only they would design jars and pill bottles that open easier! 

Recently my dear friends Ann and Joyce came to visit us. It was grand. We have been friends for over 40 years! So we were playing rummikub and I put out a small snack of crackers and cheese. A few days after they left, I said to Daryl, did you finish the cheese that was in that container? No he said, I thought you did. Well, I can't find it anywhere. A few days later I was reorganizing the pantry (because I now have time to do it and it seems like a fun thing to do in retirement) and low and behold, there is the container of cheese! It was a little soft but still edible. I wonder what else I will find in there! Anyway we had a good laugh and as long as I don't mix up the hemorrhoid medicine and the toothpaste I think I can manage!

So Daryl and I have learned to give each other a lot of grace in retirement. We don't fret the small things and we try to go to the beach at least once a week because that is one of the reasons we moved here. Daryl was finally able to fly his stunt kite as you can see in the photos. The wind was great and the beach wasn't too occupied. 

All in all, I'm loving retirement even with its aches and pains. I believe there is no set prescription for retirement. Every person will live their own version of it. Mine keeps changing daily. I am getting used to the fact that I don't have a schedule and I like that. I try to move slowly but if you know me at all, you know I don't usually have a slow gear. I'm an "all or nothing" kind of gal! 

I've received great comfort in the sermon by our Pastor Jason last week. He told us how God uses the most unlikely to do God's work. He told the story of David, a murderer, an adulterer, a thief and outright scoundrel. Yet God chose him to lead the people. "God sees the heart," he said. He knows us even when we try to put on a good act. I love that. God knows all of me and still loves me. Every night I sing this song, "Lord Jesus I long to be perfectly whole, I want You forever to Live in My soul!" It comforts me. It's an old hymn from my childhood and not all of it fits with my theology of God but I'll take its resonance in my heart. 

So today may you be blessed with the moments you are in right now. May the peace of God sit on your shoulder and carry you through the day! Whether you are retired or working, may you find time to smile, knowing I love you and you make my life a blessing. Joy in the Journey! Bonnie Lee

Jardin de la Pais

Dear friends, it has been quite some time since I have written. First of all, I have been gardening and processing my soul in the dirt! Oh how glorious for the most part, but then again there is the back ache, the dizziness, because I am challenged at the moment with medications that affect my balance, and the ability to know when enough is enough seems to have lost its meaning on me! Daryl recently had to set the limit when I was sick from heat exhaustion. Now that fall has entered our lovely land, I am in my glory! Every morning I walk and check on things and then again in the evening. Yesterday, in the middle of the afternoon,  I abandoned all hope of doing laundry and instead sat in the garden! This has to be the best part about retirement! I can do what I want, when I want!

These cannas lilies you see to the right were just little plants in a pot. Now they are thriving as they have been given room to grow! Isn't that the way we are too? When not stymied by the opinions of others, the rhetoric of today's politics and our own unreasonable expectations of ourselves, we are open to possibilities that can promote peace and progress in our lives.

As you already know from a previous blog, in the entryway to my Zen Pen (my little room of calm) is a painting of Jesus washing the feet of another individual. I'm challenged every time I see it to ponder on my own service to others. Most often I pray in the morning, Jesus, whom would you like me to serve today. Mother Teresa once said, In my work, I belong to the whole world, but in my heart, I belong to Christ. I love that about her and her life was an obvious rendition of keeping those priorities intact. I'm challenged by them though. As a matter of fact, Jesus and me had a tough talk the other day. Why in the world my beloved brother Christ would you let me retire and then give me trigeminal neuralgia which can incapacitate me on any given day!?! I hit the dirt hard that day and sighed again and again.

It's a good thing God and Jesus have big shoulders because they can take what I say and don't yell or get mad. Honestly though, that is not my belief about the Trinity.  My dear friends Joyce and Ann recently came to visit us which delighted me no end, and as we tried to wrap our heads around all the violence in our world we discussed the omniscience, omnipresence and omnipotence of God. I do not believe that God sends things to challenge me or make life hard, but I am aware that some people find comfort in believing that God is in control of everything. I know that God is present in all things but crap in life happens and so we have decisions about it. Do we blame someone, do we hunker down and just get through it, are we grateful for life itself or do we find ways to manage the sad and difficult issues in our lives with ernest prayer and hopefulness? I imagine for those suffering from chronic illnesses that this is a reality they often face. They are brave souls indeed!

So I'm choosing to remember that in my heart, I belong to Christ, and that makes all the difference in how I serve the world. The garden brings the joy and hope in my whole being. I laugh, I smile, I contemplate and am filled with gratitude at each new bud, each green shoot that startles me with splendor. That joy just wells up and I want to share it with others. It is my prayer that today you will engage in a nugget of life that causes you to be engulfed in hope. I have many friends on Facebook who post photos of their trips, their children, their gardens, books they have read or funny things that have happened to them. You my dear ones, inspire me! I try to make sure I click on "like" or make a comment so you know I am listening. 

I close with a quote from Maya Angelou. Let gratitude be the pillow upon which you kneel to say your nightly prayer. And let faith be the bridge you build to overcome evil and welcome good. Love to you all! Bonnie Lee Joy in the Journey

Out of the Silence

 It had been quite some time since I have blogged. It is basically because I have been in pain. Unfortunately I have a condition called trigeminal neuralgia. It is extremely painful and it has taken the doctors a while to be able to help me manage it. I am now on very strong nerve medication and I’m seeing a neurologist. I had the same disease 20 years ago and had gamma knife surgery on my brain. That was something I had hoped would never happen again but here I am suffering from it.

I have tried to go through my daily routines and have managed to do so for most of the time. My energy level was low as pain set in. There was a lot of silence. Often, in my past, I have gone on silent retreats for one and two weeks at a time. People would kid me because I am a person who likes to talk and they could not imagine that I could stay quiet for two weeks. They do not know me well. My soul gets regenerated through silence and praise and meditation. I am able to lower my blood pressure and heal my body through silence.

The pictures you see at the top are in my backyard. I’m incredibly blessed to have a garden created that nurtures me immensely. Each day I wonder what message Saint Francis will have for me. DARYL and I traveled to Italy a few years ago and were able to enjoy much of the history of Saint Francis’ life and walked the path where he lived.

During this time of silence and struggle, I have prayed for many of you, wondering what you’re up to and hoping that your days are full of joy. I’m making new friends with neighbors and we found a church where we feel at home. It is Saint Philip Lutheran in Myrtle Beach. I like the ritual of the liturgy and the music is marvelous! The congregation sings heartily and it warms my soul. The pastor has meaningful sermons and connects with people of all ages. What a blessing to have found this sweet little church in the midst of a tourist town.

I am grateful that there are people who heal, people who pray, and the great love and tender care of my husband. It has been a challenge to manage this. But with medication, I am able to swim, cook, and write. It is my hope that you will discover what feeds you and find time to engage in it. May the silent times in your life be a blessing, love, Bonnie Lee.

The dilemma of blessings

It’s been a while since I’ve written and it’s because I’ve been resisting it. The title might give you a hint as to why I’m having such a hard time.

If you know me well, you know that I can never hide my true feelings and my emotions of what I am experiencing. Right now I am having incredible joy. Retirement is far better than what I anticipated. I’m able to make sourdough bread every week, plan menus, and cook healthy meals, do my laundry whenever I need to, and sleep whenever I want.

I’m enjoying house cleaning and nesting and gardening. I had no idea that this was all so much fun and wonderful. I am reaping the benefits of this self-care by weight loss and some of my blood work is really good.

So then, what is the problem? It is this. I’m so blessed and yet I see so much pain and agony all around me. Reading the news makes me distraught and angry.The injustices and the climate issues are frightening.

I’m not used to having such blessings. This past week I was talking to our son JORDAN about my struggle with it. He said, “Mom you have spent your whole life serving others now it’s time to serve yourself.”

Wise words, indeed, but remember, I was raised in a culture, a very conservative Christian culture, that told me to die to self. The one family with whom I lived, would not even let us have a mirror because to look in a mirror was to be vain. We were not allowed to have musical instruments because they were of the devil and could be used for wickedness like dancing. It was a sin to spend money on one’s self unless absolutely necessary. It took me many years to love myself and it is no wonder that God called me to serve others because there is my strength that came amid all that negativity.

I absolutely loved being a pastor, and while it was exhausting, it was also energizing and led me to deep spiritual depths that I might not have otherwise experienced. I was blessed to have a window into the lives of others as we both impacted each other in finding the holy in every moment.

Then why is it so hard for me to accept these blessings? Daryl and I have worked since we were 15 years old. We have scrimped and saved and often worked two and three jobs at a time. We tried to be generous and continually support several other families financially.

I’ve never thought of myself as keeping score with God, that if I bless others, God will bless me. However, this season of my life so far is beyond my wildest expectations. I actually thought I’d never get here.

When I was diagnosed with cancer, the second time I begged God to let me live until retirement. And now I am thriving. Yes there are still medical issues and I’m seeing a ton of specialists to try to deal with them, but for the most part every day is a miracle.

Sometimes DARYL and I look at each other and say we have to pinch ourselves to make sure this is real.

But then there’s that little guilt lurking thinking maybe I shouldn’t have it so nice. Wondering if those of you who are reading this will think that I’m too extravagant.

I can’t quite reconcile at all yet, but I’m gonna tell you I am going to revel in it. My family is so supportive of us and encourages me to just accept the blessings and the reward of our labors.

I know too that with blessing comes responsibility. DARYL and I are finding ways to share what we have with others.

I’m not ready to sign on any board yet, I’m not ready to be on a committee. It’s just too soon. I’m catching my breath and asking God to let me be her servant.

Thank you all for being here for me as you always have been, through thick and thin you have been the extraordinary blessing in my life. May something marvelously surprising give you joy today. Love to you all, Bonnie Lee.

We end the journey with a bang!

Our last night in Asheville, North Carolina ended up being quite eventful. As we were ready to go to bed a big storm came up. DARYL went outside to put the awning down so that it wouldn’t blow in the wind. All of a sudden it wouldn’t work. No matter how hard he tried, he could not get the latch to work. So he tilted the side the best he could so the rain would run off of it and the wind wouldn’t catch it.

I went to bed praying that it would work in the morning. However, when we got up, it was the same way that it was when we went to bed. We messed with it and tried all kinds of things and we could not get it to work. We put in several phone calls to mobile RV repair people and only found one person who said that he could possibly help us but it wouldn’t be till noon. We said OK well if we don’t find anybody else then come on over.

About that time, the custodian of the campground came by on his golf cart, as he was emptying trash. He said “ Are you having a problem ?” and we said yes. So DARYL showed him what the problem was. He tried to fix it and couldn’t fix it either. So DARYL said “I think we need to take it apart and then maybe manually roll it up.” But we didn’t have a ladder. No problem. Jose as it turns out, was our angel. He went and got a ladder and stood up on it and helped DARYL take it apart and then roll it up. They put the screws back in to hold it tightly and taped it with electrical tape. The photo you see is of Jose giving me the thumbs up. He was so excited when I asked if I could take his picture.

It is amazing how people are so generous with their kindness. We have found that to be true over and over.

We stopped at the welcome station when we hit the South Carolina border. As we entered the visitation area, a young woman greeted us. “Where are you from?” She asked. DARYL told her that we were moving from California and that we were going to our new home in South Carolina. “Welcome home,” she said.

Her statement caught us up short. This is our home now. That was an odd feeling to both DARYL and me. For the rest of the trip I reflected on the fact that South Carolina is now my new home. It doesn’t feel like home yet. The landscape is so unfamiliar, the dialect is quite different, the food is interesting, and I don’t have many friends yet.

I was feeling sad on the trip home, and it was somewhat unexpected. While I am very eager for this new life of retirement, it is also a huge transition. We will have a new church, new doctors, new bank, new neighborhood, and so many things to which we will be adjusting. While I usually like change, it’s all a bit unsettling. My usual optimistic nature took a backseat to my melancholy spirit.

What did bring me joy however, was when I walked into our home, I immediately felt at peace. The surroundings comforted me. There was my little Zen Pen studio ready and waiting for my creative spirit. DARYL‘s organ stands stately in the corner soon to be swelling with beautiful music. I turned on all the lights in the bedroom and just sat there a minute being so happy that I could sleep in my own bed tonight.

I am aware that with this move there will be many emotions swimming around in me. Sometimes I’m gonna let them just sit there, and contemplate the goodness of them. Other times I’ll dive in and see where they might lead me.

Through it all, I do know that I am incredibly blessed and I’m thankful that our trip went as well as it did. DARYL said the other day that “Home is wherever we are.” How true that is and we will certainly make this place a safe and sacred Haven.

All across the country, DARYL and I saw so much poverty. There were many people living in RV’s. There are trailers with tarps on the roofs. There are rusted out cars decking front yards. There were shacks that look practically like they’re going to fall over, but a light still cast out the darkness. There were people without homes holding signs asking for money. We saw workers doing extremely hard labor in the heat. All these folk striving to make a living and a home for themselves. I prayed for them to feel secure.

It’s time to be thankful once again for our little bit of heaven on earth. Tonight for your blessing, I pray that you are wrapped in the comfort of a safe place. May your home be a nook of love and peace. Wherever you are, know you are loved, Bonnie Lee.

An Eventful Day!

Well, today was most unusual. We drove from Nashville to Asheville and what a time we had.

The event started when we stopped for gas at an Exxon in Nashville. While backing up, I scraped a woman’s car who was parked at the gas station. No damage was done to the RV and hardly any damage to her car, but I just felt terrible about it. DARYL and I were both pretty shook up but by the time I got out of the RV, the owner of the car was comforting me. It’s OK she said. At first she was horrendously upset. But her coworker, (because they both were working at the Exxon,) told her and DARYL that it was OK. “There are no broken bones. Nobody was hurt and the car is only slightly damaged,” he said.

When I got out of my vehicle to talk with her, she was on the phone with someone. The person on the phone was saying to her. “It’s OK. You can’t change what’s already happened you have to just accept it.” The girl told the person on the phone that she didn’t have any car insurance. The woman said, “well you can’t do anything about it now so you have to just go with it.” I told her that I have insurance and I would make a claim right away. I actually did that. Tennessee is an “at fault” state so my insurance has to pay. I have State Farm and I have to tell you they were excellent with me on the phone.

I texted the young woman to tell her that I had made the claim and they would be calling her in a day or two. I told her that I was sorry this had happened. We had a fabulous text exchange. She told me that her coworker was like family and that they were all cool and that it was OK. What remarkable people they were. She could’ve been cussing me out. Instead she was kind and gentle with me. DARYL said she was initially upset, but that her coworker calmed her down. I was happy to find out too that I don’t have a deductible for that kind of accident.

The next part of the journey that was stressful was there were about 12 miles of one lane traffic. The sign said that you should not go on the road if your vehicle was 8 1/2 feet wide. Our RV is 8’5” wide. So imagine my tension as I drove through a cattle chute once again. It went fine though.

We arrived at our campsite and immediately it began to downpour. You can see our view from our window. We managed to get a break in the storm to go get some dinner.

In spite of everything, it truly was beautiful driving through the Smoky Mountains. DARYL and I were reminiscing about all the many memories we have made while camping and visiting there over the years. I especially remember some almond crusted trout and tubing down the mountain streams which ended with me in the ER. We laugh about it now and are so grateful we have those memories. We are certainly gonna come camping in the smoky mountains!

Tomorrow is the day we arrive at our new home at Myrtle Beach. It has been a long, wonderful drive and we will be glad to be nestled in our own beds and start our new adventures there.

Today, I’m especially grateful for the kindness of strangers. I’m also incredibly thankful that my sweet husband DARYL did not yell at me when I backed into a car. He is so kind that way. He was very reassuring to me and we talked about adjustments we might need to make in the future when backing up. He was so gentle. He is like that you know. Never yelling but always concerned for my well-being. What a treasure!

You know, for a few miles down the road I really beat myself up. How could I have made such a stupid mistake I thought. But life is full of mistakes. I’m glad that the one I made today did not harm anyone. Sometimes it’s harder to forgive oneself than forgiving others. I had to let it go and leave it in the hands of the insurance people and realize that it’s probably not the last mistake I’m gonna make.

My blessing for you tonight is to love yourself. Through all the foibles of life and the ups and downs that we actually create, let’s love ourselves. We are made in the image of our great creator and so worthy of good love. I pray that you’ll meet people like I did, that give you grace even when you don’t deserve it. Remember, I love you all, Bonnie Lee.

Tired!

So the Day began with me talking to God about my RV. I said “God if you’re interested in being a mechanic today, could you please fix my cruise control?” Now I know for some of you this might seem sacrilegious. However, I talk to God about everything. Little things, big things, hurts, joys; you name it and I talk to God about it! God is big enough to hear it. Now I don’t actually think God played mechanic today, but I have to tell you that my cruise control worked. What a major blessing. So what did I do? I thanked God!

This might not fit in with your theology of prayer and how prayers are answered and what we should take to God, but it was a joy just the same. I also took to God all the hurting families from the storms, I asked for safety for our trip, I prayed for those of you for struggling in your jobs and in relationships. I prayed for our politicians, I prayed for our world. Things seem a bit messy now so prayer is mighty important. God comforted me through it today.

I did get more comments about my hair but in Kentucky it was from a young fellow at the gas station.”Why miss, I jest love that thar pink hair of yours! It’s mighty nice on ya!” I thanked him and said “You are kind to say so!”

That’s all for today folks! This entry is gonna be short and sweet. We went through four states. Missouri, Illinois, Kentucky, and Tennessee. As you can see from the picture, I’m exhausted. I had my beer, now I’m going to bed. May your sleep be sweet! Love you all, Bonnie Lee