Weary!

Hello, my Dear Ones,

Oh my, where does one begin amid all the tragedy and sorrow we are witnessing in our country? I don’t know about you, but I am having a hard time sleeping. I had a nightmare last night when I was reaching out to a little girl to save her from drowning, but she was just out of my reach and I could not get to her. I woke up startled and distraught. The irony of it all - the little girl was me and the adult was me!

As I am trying to decipher all this, I know that it is reflective of my state of mind. I am drowning in despair and wringing my hands to discover what I can do to save the children who are being ripped from their families. I am overwhelmed with helplessness. I strive to cling to hope, as that is my nature, but it is daunting and exhausting.

To all of you self-analysts out there, I can assure you that I am aware that this resonates with me because of the severe separation from my own parents. I have had counseling to work through this, and this is way bigger than you or me. This is a nation turning on its own children. Each day I wake up and cry “how long or God how long!”

Some days even my precious devotional time seems  hollow and the calm eludes me. Yet again today, Author Charles Ringman brings me back to Christ. He says, “In a world of new “tribal” animosities and new polarizations of hatred and fear, there are new opportunities for Christians to show Christ’s way- a way of love and peace.” [1]

All I could pray this morning, was “God help us.” Some days I cannot connect with the news because it is just too painful. Yet every day this week I have looked at the little five-year-old boy who is detained by ICE. My heart is broken. 

So where is the hope? My dear ones, it is in you and me and countless others who dare to love in the face of danger. Even as we cry in desperation, we know God is with us. Reading the Psalms, especially chapters 140 and 141, help me.

The other blessing for me is that Daryl sings this every morning with his coffee, Taste and See That God is good, happy are those who take refuge in God. What a marvelous reminder. May it be so for all of us today. Loving you with weeping in my heart, Bonnie Lee

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[1] Ringman, Charles. Washing the Feet of the World with Mother Teresa. 2008. Regent College Publishing. Pg. 218

 

The Blessing for a Lifetime

 

My dear ones, did you ever have something happen to you a long time ago that impacts you today in a “good way?” Many of you know that I was a foster child for most of my childhood and tossed about. I endured homes that should have done me in, but I had a life-changing event at probably four or five years old that set the paradigm for my entire life.

One day I received new roller skates. Probably a neighbor donated them to our poor family. Anyway, I loved those roller skates and whirled around everywhere I could. As far back as I can remember, I was a tree climber. I tore so many dresses climbing trees that my clothing was usually hung together with a safety pin. That day I decided to both climb a very large tree and wear my roller skates. I have no idea how I did it, but there I was comfortably watching the world go by in the tree I had come to love. I don’t know how long I was there because time has a much different length when you are a kid. It started to get dark. I tried to get out of the tree but every time I put my feet on a limb, my foot would slip out. No matter how hard I tried I could not get out of the tree. I began to yell for help. At one point my drunken mother came to the door and yelled, “Shut up, I have a headache.” “ Mama, mama,” I cried “Get me down.”  But she only slammed the door and went back to her drinking. It was to be one of many lifelong rejections.

I began to cry and I was getting cold. Suddenly, I had this idea to pray. “God,” I said “if you get me down out of this tree I will serve you forever.”  How I had learned about God is hard to say. I do not remember going to church and the Bible was never read in our home. As a matter of fact, the only time the word God was used was usually to curse him.

“Please, please get me down. I promise and I mean it.” I pleaded with this unknown God.  Soon I heard my dad’s car in the driveway. He had been working on a construction job and was weary. “Dad, Dad,” I screamed, “Come help me. I am stuck. Help, I wailed.”

He turned and saw me and came running. “Well Bonnie Lee,” he said, “What is going on?” “ I can’t get out of the tree and mama won’t help me.”  “Well honey, just climb down.” “ I can’t -my roller skates keep slipping.” He looked shocked. “Well just take them off and then you can climb down.”  I had never even thought of that. I quickly unlaced the ties and threw them down. It was easy to climb barefooted because I had done it often.

He caught me and held me in his arms. It is the only memory I have of my dad every holding me in a gentle way and I’m sure it felt like the arms of God. Sometimes we are the face of Jesus that heals someone.

That night as I lay in bed. I said “Thank you God, I’m going keep my promise.”

You know, that promise guided me all through my life. When circumstances became horrendous, I did not turn to drugs or alcohol, instead I gave my life to Jesus. I became a foster parent myself, raised a family, worked hard and stayed out of trouble (well some of you will have a hard time believing that!)

This morning however, my promise hit me with full force again. A person dear to me wrote an exceptionally heinous comment on Facebook and it ripped into my soul. “How can I ever talk to that person again,” I asked Daryl. “ I no longer wish to be their friend.”  But of course, I started to remember my promise and continued with my routine of having a devotional every day and reading the Bible. Wow, it challenged me!

Of course this passage in Colossian 3 would be the lesson for the day! The writer is reminding us of what it means to be like Christ: “As God’s children, holy and beloved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, meekness and patience.” Oh dear, there it is again, serving Jesus through it all. So here I am, remembering my promise in the tree and being challenged to shift my paradigm to love. It is slowly changing me.

I don’t know what you are facing today, but remember that you are holy and beloved, and I am sure love will follow. Joy in the Journey, Bonnie Lee

Healing at the Beach

My dear ones, Today I was at the beach as it was 75 degrees at our home. As always, the ocean inspires me and I thought of you all – my dear friends and family. It certainly has been a while since I have written. It is not because I don’t love you and miss you deeply. It is because I have been stymied by the horrific injustices that are going on in our world today. I find myself unable to read or listen to the news. Some of you may say that I am burying my head in the sand. For my own body’s sake, I need to listen to my own emotional, physical and spiritual health. I have never stopped praying. There are times I want to get on my soapbox and say, “This is wrong God, can’t you change what is happening!” The murders, the violence, and the harm to children, overwhelm me at times. I keep looking to Jesus and say, what would you do? And then I remember that Jesus spoke against the machinations of the political system in his day. Yes, he angered some people, and the disciples wanted him to do much more than just talk. When Jesus’ followers saw what was going to happen, they said, “Lord, should we strike with our swords?” ⁵⁰ And one of them struck the servant of the high priest, cutting off his right ear.

⁵¹ But Jesus answered, “No more of this!” And he touched the man’s ear and healed him. (Luke 22:49-51)

The response of Jesus was to show justice and mercy, and love all. For me it is remembering that even amid my actions of social justice, I must cuddle them in Mercy and Grace.

 This is hard to do. Mother Teresa says, “Be sure that you love Jesus… after that you cannot give your thoughts, your tongue, your heart to bitterness.”[1] It is our heart that needs to be aligned with love and mercy and justice. When I want revenge, I am not following God‘s way. When I wish harm on those who murder others, I am not serving God or my neighbor with love. Have mercy on me, Oh God.

So, you see I am struggling and while I often have posts that are optimistic and full of blessing, I wondered if I could do that this time. But I have discovered that there are people everywhere who bless me, even strangers. I met a doctor in an elevator in Texas. As we chatted, he told me that he was going to a breast cancer conference. We talked more and he learned that I had two bouts of breast cancer. He asked me what medication I was taking. I told him and he said there is a brand-new medication just coming out. That is going to help your kind of cancer! Make sure you tell your doctor about it. Then he asked the name of my doctor.  I told him I live in Myrtle Beach South Carolina and gave him her name. “I know her,” he exclaimed. He said “She’s great. Talk to her when you go see her.” Some might call it serendipity or luck. I call it God‘s moment where two souls who needed to talk, had a rare moment in an elevator. I forgot to ask him his name. I didn’t see him again. But the impact of that conversation might make a difference in my health.

Many blessings evolved in the Christmas season. One of our neighbors had a party and we made new friends. We held a salon organ concert in our home where Daryl delighted us with incredible music, and I was able to share a meal and the little nooks and crannies of Christmas decorating in our new home.

During the month of December, we were able to spend time with Family. It was a great joy to be with children and grandchildren. A special time was gathering around the organ and singing Christmas carols. We sounded like a little choir! So, my heart is full of blessing, even amid the turmoil of trying to find answers to a weary world. I know that for some of you, this is your first year sitting without your spouse in this holiday season. A couple of you are facing significant health challenges and are weary of it all. In spite of everything, the joy of the Lord is our strength. I don’t know where you’re at today; you might be facing very tough situations, and so it is my prayer that you will feel my arms around you and God‘s beautiful comfort. Loving you as always, Bonnie Lee.

 

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[1] Ringma, Charles, Washing the Feet of the World with Mother Teresa. RegentCollege Publishing, 2008., Pg 207.

 

No Prescription for Retirement!

For the last few years before I retired, I dreamed of what it would be like to live in retirement. Not having to set an alarm, taking naps when I want to, sitting by the pool, looking up recipes and just reading for fun was what I envisioned.

I read a few books about retirement and there are many: How to Retire, 101 Fun Things to Do in Retirement, Purposeful Retirement, How to Retire Happy and What you Don't Know about Retirement. Well I have to say, they didn't quite hit the mark for me. Yes indeed, I  enjoy not setting an alarm and swimming in our pool most afternoons (thanks to the solar cover, I'm still swimming in October!) I get to peruse recipes and love dilly-dallying in my gardens.

What I did not expect however was facing health challenges and finding a new rhythm would be difficult. As some of you already know, I have trigeminal neuralgia and am still taking a chemo pill every day. Both of those medicines cause constipation. My family doctor recently added a new medication and guess what the number one side effect is - you guessed it - constipation. I told Daryl it's a whole new life when your afternoon cocktail is prune juice! Oh I have become an expert on laxatives and herbal remedies so don't send me any! The doctors have warned me to stay on top of it so I don't end up in the ER with a blockage! Yeah, I had that once, not pretty! So excuse my language but who knew retirement would be about "shit?" 

My balance is a challenge with this disease, so I now have a chair in my closet. Seems like two legs in the same pant hole is not a good idea while trying to stand! Any thing that requires bending over is probably going to end up with me on the floor or throwing up! 

Okay so then there is the brain fog. Some days it's tiring and other days Daryl and I just roar with laughter. Do you know where my glasses are? My favorite answer to that is, Yes the last time I wore them I put them in the freezer. My family never did think that was so funny! Or what day is it? Is this Wednesday or Thursday? Did I lock the door or close the garage? So I trot to double check. Thank God there is a song on my dryer and washer when it is complete or we might have laundry in there for days! And the microwave dings until you open the door! If only they would design jars and pill bottles that open easier! 

Recently my dear friends Ann and Joyce came to visit us. It was grand. We have been friends for over 40 years! So we were playing rummikub and I put out a small snack of crackers and cheese. A few days after they left, I said to Daryl, did you finish the cheese that was in that container? No he said, I thought you did. Well, I can't find it anywhere. A few days later I was reorganizing the pantry (because I now have time to do it and it seems like a fun thing to do in retirement) and low and behold, there is the container of cheese! It was a little soft but still edible. I wonder what else I will find in there! Anyway we had a good laugh and as long as I don't mix up the hemorrhoid medicine and the toothpaste I think I can manage!

So Daryl and I have learned to give each other a lot of grace in retirement. We don't fret the small things and we try to go to the beach at least once a week because that is one of the reasons we moved here. Daryl was finally able to fly his stunt kite as you can see in the photos. The wind was great and the beach wasn't too occupied. 

All in all, I'm loving retirement even with its aches and pains. I believe there is no set prescription for retirement. Every person will live their own version of it. Mine keeps changing daily. I am getting used to the fact that I don't have a schedule and I like that. I try to move slowly but if you know me at all, you know I don't usually have a slow gear. I'm an "all or nothing" kind of gal! 

I've received great comfort in the sermon by our Pastor Jason last week. He told us how God uses the most unlikely to do God's work. He told the story of David, a murderer, an adulterer, a thief and outright scoundrel. Yet God chose him to lead the people. "God sees the heart," he said. He knows us even when we try to put on a good act. I love that. God knows all of me and still loves me. Every night I sing this song, "Lord Jesus I long to be perfectly whole, I want You forever to Live in My soul!" It comforts me. It's an old hymn from my childhood and not all of it fits with my theology of God but I'll take its resonance in my heart. 

So today may you be blessed with the moments you are in right now. May the peace of God sit on your shoulder and carry you through the day! Whether you are retired or working, may you find time to smile, knowing I love you and you make my life a blessing. Joy in the Journey! Bonnie Lee

Jardin de la Pais

Dear friends, it has been quite some time since I have written. First of all, I have been gardening and processing my soul in the dirt! Oh how glorious for the most part, but then again there is the back ache, the dizziness, because I am challenged at the moment with medications that affect my balance, and the ability to know when enough is enough seems to have lost its meaning on me! Daryl recently had to set the limit when I was sick from heat exhaustion. Now that fall has entered our lovely land, I am in my glory! Every morning I walk and check on things and then again in the evening. Yesterday, in the middle of the afternoon,  I abandoned all hope of doing laundry and instead sat in the garden! This has to be the best part about retirement! I can do what I want, when I want!

These cannas lilies you see to the right were just little plants in a pot. Now they are thriving as they have been given room to grow! Isn't that the way we are too? When not stymied by the opinions of others, the rhetoric of today's politics and our own unreasonable expectations of ourselves, we are open to possibilities that can promote peace and progress in our lives.

As you already know from a previous blog, in the entryway to my Zen Pen (my little room of calm) is a painting of Jesus washing the feet of another individual. I'm challenged every time I see it to ponder on my own service to others. Most often I pray in the morning, Jesus, whom would you like me to serve today. Mother Teresa once said, In my work, I belong to the whole world, but in my heart, I belong to Christ. I love that about her and her life was an obvious rendition of keeping those priorities intact. I'm challenged by them though. As a matter of fact, Jesus and me had a tough talk the other day. Why in the world my beloved brother Christ would you let me retire and then give me trigeminal neuralgia which can incapacitate me on any given day!?! I hit the dirt hard that day and sighed again and again.

It's a good thing God and Jesus have big shoulders because they can take what I say and don't yell or get mad. Honestly though, that is not my belief about the Trinity.  My dear friends Joyce and Ann recently came to visit us which delighted me no end, and as we tried to wrap our heads around all the violence in our world we discussed the omniscience, omnipresence and omnipotence of God. I do not believe that God sends things to challenge me or make life hard, but I am aware that some people find comfort in believing that God is in control of everything. I know that God is present in all things but crap in life happens and so we have decisions about it. Do we blame someone, do we hunker down and just get through it, are we grateful for life itself or do we find ways to manage the sad and difficult issues in our lives with ernest prayer and hopefulness? I imagine for those suffering from chronic illnesses that this is a reality they often face. They are brave souls indeed!

So I'm choosing to remember that in my heart, I belong to Christ, and that makes all the difference in how I serve the world. The garden brings the joy and hope in my whole being. I laugh, I smile, I contemplate and am filled with gratitude at each new bud, each green shoot that startles me with splendor. That joy just wells up and I want to share it with others. It is my prayer that today you will engage in a nugget of life that causes you to be engulfed in hope. I have many friends on Facebook who post photos of their trips, their children, their gardens, books they have read or funny things that have happened to them. You my dear ones, inspire me! I try to make sure I click on "like" or make a comment so you know I am listening. 

I close with a quote from Maya Angelou. Let gratitude be the pillow upon which you kneel to say your nightly prayer. And let faith be the bridge you build to overcome evil and welcome good. Love to you all! Bonnie Lee Joy in the Journey

Out of the Silence

 It had been quite some time since I have blogged. It is basically because I have been in pain. Unfortunately I have a condition called trigeminal neuralgia. It is extremely painful and it has taken the doctors a while to be able to help me manage it. I am now on very strong nerve medication and I’m seeing a neurologist. I had the same disease 20 years ago and had gamma knife surgery on my brain. That was something I had hoped would never happen again but here I am suffering from it.

I have tried to go through my daily routines and have managed to do so for most of the time. My energy level was low as pain set in. There was a lot of silence. Often, in my past, I have gone on silent retreats for one and two weeks at a time. People would kid me because I am a person who likes to talk and they could not imagine that I could stay quiet for two weeks. They do not know me well. My soul gets regenerated through silence and praise and meditation. I am able to lower my blood pressure and heal my body through silence.

The pictures you see at the top are in my backyard. I’m incredibly blessed to have a garden created that nurtures me immensely. Each day I wonder what message Saint Francis will have for me. DARYL and I traveled to Italy a few years ago and were able to enjoy much of the history of Saint Francis’ life and walked the path where he lived.

During this time of silence and struggle, I have prayed for many of you, wondering what you’re up to and hoping that your days are full of joy. I’m making new friends with neighbors and we found a church where we feel at home. It is Saint Philip Lutheran in Myrtle Beach. I like the ritual of the liturgy and the music is marvelous! The congregation sings heartily and it warms my soul. The pastor has meaningful sermons and connects with people of all ages. What a blessing to have found this sweet little church in the midst of a tourist town.

I am grateful that there are people who heal, people who pray, and the great love and tender care of my husband. It has been a challenge to manage this. But with medication, I am able to swim, cook, and write. It is my hope that you will discover what feeds you and find time to engage in it. May the silent times in your life be a blessing, love, Bonnie Lee.

The dilemma of blessings

It’s been a while since I’ve written and it’s because I’ve been resisting it. The title might give you a hint as to why I’m having such a hard time.

If you know me well, you know that I can never hide my true feelings and my emotions of what I am experiencing. Right now I am having incredible joy. Retirement is far better than what I anticipated. I’m able to make sourdough bread every week, plan menus, and cook healthy meals, do my laundry whenever I need to, and sleep whenever I want.

I’m enjoying house cleaning and nesting and gardening. I had no idea that this was all so much fun and wonderful. I am reaping the benefits of this self-care by weight loss and some of my blood work is really good.

So then, what is the problem? It is this. I’m so blessed and yet I see so much pain and agony all around me. Reading the news makes me distraught and angry.The injustices and the climate issues are frightening.

I’m not used to having such blessings. This past week I was talking to our son JORDAN about my struggle with it. He said, “Mom you have spent your whole life serving others now it’s time to serve yourself.”

Wise words, indeed, but remember, I was raised in a culture, a very conservative Christian culture, that told me to die to self. The one family with whom I lived, would not even let us have a mirror because to look in a mirror was to be vain. We were not allowed to have musical instruments because they were of the devil and could be used for wickedness like dancing. It was a sin to spend money on one’s self unless absolutely necessary. It took me many years to love myself and it is no wonder that God called me to serve others because there is my strength that came amid all that negativity.

I absolutely loved being a pastor, and while it was exhausting, it was also energizing and led me to deep spiritual depths that I might not have otherwise experienced. I was blessed to have a window into the lives of others as we both impacted each other in finding the holy in every moment.

Then why is it so hard for me to accept these blessings? Daryl and I have worked since we were 15 years old. We have scrimped and saved and often worked two and three jobs at a time. We tried to be generous and continually support several other families financially.

I’ve never thought of myself as keeping score with God, that if I bless others, God will bless me. However, this season of my life so far is beyond my wildest expectations. I actually thought I’d never get here.

When I was diagnosed with cancer, the second time I begged God to let me live until retirement. And now I am thriving. Yes there are still medical issues and I’m seeing a ton of specialists to try to deal with them, but for the most part every day is a miracle.

Sometimes DARYL and I look at each other and say we have to pinch ourselves to make sure this is real.

But then there’s that little guilt lurking thinking maybe I shouldn’t have it so nice. Wondering if those of you who are reading this will think that I’m too extravagant.

I can’t quite reconcile at all yet, but I’m gonna tell you I am going to revel in it. My family is so supportive of us and encourages me to just accept the blessings and the reward of our labors.

I know too that with blessing comes responsibility. DARYL and I are finding ways to share what we have with others.

I’m not ready to sign on any board yet, I’m not ready to be on a committee. It’s just too soon. I’m catching my breath and asking God to let me be her servant.

Thank you all for being here for me as you always have been, through thick and thin you have been the extraordinary blessing in my life. May something marvelously surprising give you joy today. Love to you all, Bonnie Lee.